Packing, Cleaning, Holding on

So many times I feel the grip of stress or anticipation on my life.
So many times I want to let it go.

The process of packing for Chile, although stressful, I know is going to be good for me in the long run.  I cannot wait to live for a semester on only what I can fit in my backpack (or find at the thrift store once I'm down there).  I've brought home three years of shuffling in boxes: Graduation, Philmont, College, Philmont, College, Philmont, College...  The papers, the things, they are just too numerous and too many like the burden of a caddywompus, unorganized backpack.

I've been thinking a lot lately about people's basic needs.  Why do we "need" any of this stuff?  In reality, there's no space for it anywhere.  People are very good at loving things for a time and then pushing them aside.  Where is our interest lost?  What makes the difference between something we chose to hold on to and something that slips into the "forgotten?"  What is the difference between a cherished childhood friend and one that goes off to college and forgets you?

In life, we are told so many times to "let things go," but what does that mean?  If we let everything "go," we become completely apathetic.  When one prepares to go on an expedition, he must carefully plan what he brings with him and what he leaves behind.

I'm really not ready to leave my friends and family behind.  I'm terrible with goodbyes and always have been.  Ask my family on this one.  As a girl, I'd cling to my aunts, uncles, and grandparents, making them hold up my whole weight, not really ready to go off my own way, not ready... not ready.

On the other hand, I cannot wait for the freedom of a new place.  Don't get me wrong, I will greatly miss college, Philmont, and especially "home," but my need to explore and to chart new frontiers calls me away.  I long for the day when I have a partner to take with me on all of my explorations, but for now, I do it by myself, sola, I grow.


I do think that the month I have before leaving will be very good preparation for me.  I can step back and focus on relationships, play catch-up, and take pieces of each of you with me into my journey into the unknown.  It is only with the strength of the things known, chats over coffee, hugs, ridiculous moments, and fond memories that I can go out.

Today, I heard this on the radio and It really touched me:

Please pray for my packing/ cleaning process and pray for my heart as I'm feeling like I have my feet on two canoes, or "wakas," as the Maori of New Zealand say.